Stuff we have heard/said in Church!

Posted on August 3, 2008 by Chris Goan

Lest we all take this stuff to seriously…

(first posted on aoradh’s website- here)

It is time for some painful stuff heard in Christian circles and reported back to us. These awful yet wonderful moments are just too good to waste.

And what is more- it is all true(ish.)

There was the pastor who took a detour from his sermon to have a little rant at the permissive society, and stumbled into the realm of gender politics. Catching himself in uncomfortable territory he stopped, and said this …people may say that I am homophobic, but I am NOT. I am GOD PHOBIC!

He did. Honest.

I was there, and as far as I was able to ascertain, there was no irony intended!

Another Pastor, whilst discussing wedding matters MEANT to say For an occasion such as this. Unfortunately, but to others great delight, what he ACTUALLY said was Fornication such as this…”

Then there was a blunder from me, whilst praying one day in good worship-leading, pompous style- You know the kind, the sort of prayers that are not prayers at all, but are just space fillers to make the songs seem a bit more spiritual.

Dear Lord, some of us are old, some of us are young, some of us are JUST RIGHT.

There was another minister who proclaimed that our worship should rise like incest before the throne of God. The shaking shoulders and streaming eyes were a mystery to him…

Another minister was telling stories to the kids in a service about the Tater family- you get the picture- Imi Tator, Agi Tator and Dick Tator. His personal favorite must have been Dick, as he made a particular point of asking the kids if anyone had a dick in their family…

Christians, you’ve got to laugh.

Hope you enjoyed some of Dave Walkers cartoons too!

Theology, encapsulated?

Posted on July 22, 2008 by Chris Goan

I was thinking the other day about how incredibly difficult it is to have theological discussion with people outside your particular circle. The language that we use to describe our experience and understanding of God can be so prescriptive.

It is almost as our liturgy and our doctrines become mutually incompatible if they vary from each other by more than, say 3-4%.

Having said that, it may be easier to find common grounds for discussion if there is greater variance! We might be talking at cross purposes, but we are less likely to shout “Heretic!”

My friend and former neighbour Terry sent me this recently, which kind of makes the point nicely.

Its just for a laugh- enjoy!

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, and that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened?

The Pope said, ‘First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue.

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

‘I haven’t a clue’ said the Rabbi. First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here.

‘And then what?’ asked a woman.

‘Who knows?’ said the Rabbi. ‘He took out his lunch so I took out mine.’