Unfolding paper clips…

They are important, these markings of transitions.

They are the spirituality of the mundane. And no less the lovely for that.

Today I met with some of my friends and colleagues from a 10 year career with Argyll and Bute council for my leaving do. People said some lovely things, and I think they meant them. Tears were shed, speeches spoken and extravagant gifts given/received.

A while ago, whilst we were reflecting on the chaos that the social work department is currently experiencing at the moment (losing over half of the experienced managers with no immediate replacements) I wondered aloud how on earth  the council could get away with it all. A wise friend of mine said something like this; It will be like a hand in a bucket of water, the hand thinks that the bucket will be lost without it, but as soon as you pull the hand, the water close like it has never been there.

I was sad when I heard it, because I knew it to be true. Large public departments are never dependent on individuals. They have a life of their own and there are always more people ready to be fed into the machine.

However, today might suggest that something lives on in the legacy you leave behind. The shape of you, even in the large bucket of water, in turn affects the shape of others- for good and ill, although I hope mostly for good.

Lest I start to get too elevated in my ego, one of the gifts given to me today was a ‘newspaper’, with the headline story something like this;

JAMMY CHRIS GOAN LEAVES TODAY – YES TODAY!

Chris Goan leaves Ellis Lodge Today… remaining workforce celebrate!

A Local Authority was in uproar today when one of its employees Chris Goan was finally ejected from the building. “He’s been a right skiver since the day he started here” said one employee who did not wish to be named (but known in the building as the Haggis Rustler) “I can’t wait to see the back of the bugger.”

One of Chris’s best friends (who will be paid later) said “I’m supposed to be on holiday today but I came in to see him leave for myself” He added “There was a rumour going around about him leaving, but it seemed to good to be true.” He added “When I saw we were doing a collection for him, I thought we were paying him to resign, so I put fifty quid in.”

Amongst Goan’s leaving presents was a half empty box of elastic bands, the account managers slippers and a card signed by two people (in the same handwriting.)

One of Goan’s work colleagues told our reporters “Nobody untwisted a paper clip quite like him, he won’t be easy to replace.” These statements were later echoed by Goan’s immediate boss who was found in a local pub drinking champagne straight from the bottle. “It will be hard filling Chris’s role, the idle sod took the heat off me. He’s certainly more popular than I thought he was though, someone chipped in £50 for his leaving present, so here I am.”

While the crowd outside Ellis Lodge enjoyed the subsequent celebratory barbecue and firework display, Goan’s boss continued to drink to his departure. When pushed for a more upbeat statement, he grudgingly added; “We wish Chris every happiness, no he has finally left us.”

A final statement issued collectively by the entire Cowal/Bute, Helensburgh/Lomond workforce and all MHO’s late last night read “Chris Goan, you are a… really nice guy! You are loved and will be missed, Damn you you lucky lucky thing!

(I think I have my lovely admin worker Issy to thank for this!)

As career epitaphs go, I will settle for that one.

Thanks friends…

Higgs boson?

I’ve been idly following all this talk about the so called ‘God particle’, the Higgs Boson.

Not really my field, particle physics, but it all sounds very impressive- perhaps the building block of the universe, a tiny thing that only has a lifespan of a millionth of a millionth of a millionth of a millionth of a second. I have been struggling to get my head around what the Higgs boson is all about- perhaps I blinked and missed it.

Thanks then, as ever, go the Guardian, one of my preferred windows on the Universe. They produced this wee guide;

For people you’re trying to impress: “The Higgs boson is an elementary scalar particle first posited in 1962, as a potential byproduct of the mechanism by which a hypothetical, ubiquitous quantum field – the so-called Higgs field – gives mass to elementary particles. More specifically, in the standard model of particle physics, the existence of the Higgs boson explains how spontaneous breaking of electroweak symmetry takes place in nature.”

For harassed, sleep-deprived parents: “If the constituent parts of matter were sticky-faced toddlers, then the Higgs field would be like one of those ball pits they have in the children’s play area at IKEA. Each coloured plastic ball represents a Higgs boson: collectively they provide the essential drag that stops your toddler/electron falling to the bottom of the universe, where all the snakes and hypodermic needles are.”

For English undergraduates: “The Higgs boson (pronounced “boatswain”) is a type of subatomic punctuation with a weight somewhere between a tiny semicolon and an invisible comma. Without it the universe would be a meaningless cloud of gibberish – a bit like The Da Vinci Code, if you read that.”

For teenagers studying A-level physics: “No, I know it’s not an atom. I didn’t say it was. Well, I meant a particle. Yes, I do know what electromagnetism is, thank you very much – unified forces, Einstein, blah blah blah, mass unaccounted for, yadda yadda, quarks, Higgs boson, the end. It was a long time ago, and I’m tired. Change the channel – we’re missing Come Dine With Me.”

For a member of the Taxpayers’ Alliance“Its discovery is a colossal, unprecedented, almost infinite waste of money.”

For a child in the back seat of a car: “It’s a particle that some scientists have been looking for. Because they knew that without it the universe would be impossible. Because without it, the other particles in the universe wouldn’t have mass. Because they would all continue to travel at the speed of light, just like photons do. Because I just said they would, and if you ask ‘Why?’ one more time we’re not stopping at Burger King.”

For religious fundamentalists: “There is no Higgs boson.”

And here is my favourite Higgs bosun joke;

A Higgs boson walks into a church, according to one joke which did the rounds.

“We don’t allow Higgs bosons in here!” shouts the priest.

“But without me, how can you have mass?” asks the particle.

It works on a few different levesl!

Eco Warrior…

I need a new project, so have decided to do some little poetry sketches inspired by people I pass in the street, or on trains, or in café’s.   It is a bit of fun but as with all things on this blog it is intended too as a spiritual exercise- a way of looking with hope and love. A way of seeking after blessing and offering prayer.

The first one is a bit of fun, meant kindly, poked in part at a younger version of me that I saw in someone else.

The Apple Mac smacked his side

Like some kind of pouched weapon of

Mass salvation

His right hand permanently Action Man clawed

From fairly traded coffee cups.

Battle is joined

In the blogosphere-

It’s a jungle out there.

Friend of furry things everywhere

He just might yet

Save the world

Man flu…

I could explain to you just how ill I feel right now after two nights with no sleep, lungs coughing up things the colour of moss, and a head like a blender…

…but I am too ill to write. Count yourself lucky.

Instead I offer you these photographs of our fire place after one mornings action –

Homer Simpson predicts the Rapture…

An episode of ‘The Simpsons’ on TV this evening and made me laugh out loud- often. It was called ‘Thank God it’s Doomsday’, and centred around Homer watching a move called ‘Left Below’, then becoming convinced that the Rapture was about to happen.

Rather reminiscent of this.

The only clip I could find that was not dubbed into Russian was this one-

Homer watches ‘Left Below’

 

The back-to-work-after-Christmas Hakka…

The house is now empty after a wonderful time spent with friends over New Year. We always take a group photo, which always seems to be a record of the development of our kids, and the increasing decrepitude of we adults-

The other thing this photo reminds me of is the end of another Christmas/New Year break. A new year is upon us, and work begins again.

This year may (or may not) bring changes, but for now, the grind will grind on.

Andy and I were laughing about the feeling of needing to psych up for work. Almost like the New Zealand rugby team performing the Hakka-

So, by way of my own little hakka, I wrote some words. Imagine them being performed by men like those above.

Aaarrrrghhhhhhh

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

Scowl me out that stress-face

This holiday must fracture

Stoke the furnace, sound that bell

This man must manufacture

Aaarrrrghhhhhhh

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

Scrape the windscreen, warm the car

Before we once again commute

What was that bloody password?

I must again reboot

Aaarrrrghhhhhhh

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

A million unread  e-mails

Have scleroted up my in box

The undrunk mug of coffee

Is waiting for a detox

Aaarrrrghhhhhhh

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

There are those who are waiting

To mire me up in memos

Their words have little meaning

And even less good purpose

Aaarrrrghhhhhhh

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

I should have been a cave man

His was a better planet

The things we folk must do

To slay this seasons mammoth

Aaarrrrghhhhhhh

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

Smash some windows, kick some cats

Shout at the television

Tomorrow we must rise again

To earn some long division

Dinner for one…

This new year, like many before it, at least half of all German people will see in the new year by watching the following. Go figure.

Many years ago, as a student, our host showed us this ‘famous’ English comedy sketch, and howled with laughter while we smiled politely.

At the time, we were in Berlin, which was still surrounded by a high wall, and we assumed the strange fixation on archaic, unfunny comedy was a result of them simply not getting out much.

But whatever the reason, this sketch has become part of German tradition.

Which only goes to say how much variety our cultures contain.

Whether you are watching dinner for one, or carrying coal through people’s back doors, Happy New Year to you all!

World toilet day!

Last year, we twinned out toilet with another in Giharo, Rutana Province, Burundi.

They sent us a framed photo of their thunderbox, which I contemplate as I thunder on mine.

And apparently today is World Toilet Day, which I will celebrate by reposting this infographic, complete with details of how you can twin your toilet too.

Go on, it makes evacuation of the bowel so much more satisfying!

What is the worst Christmas TV advert so far?

Sorry friends- but I feel a rant coming on…

You can’t escape them you see. They will be played over and over for the next two months. Each one expensively produced- mostly stuffed full of minor celebrities.

Yes- they are here in full force- the dreadful Christmas adverts.

The worst so far (in my opinion) are below.

By reproducing them here, I run the risk, dear readers, of subliminally pushing you towards the clutches of M/S and ToysRus (possibly the most irritating name for any shop the world over) but I will run this risk as, of course, framing is everything.

I confess (I know, I am a weak man) that I kind of like the next one. Perhaps it is the Morrissey song, or just the lovely ordinariness of the subject. Or perhaps it is just because of the joy of giving not getting.

Or maybe I am just as soft as treacle.

But perhaps the worst of all is this one. Watch and cringe.

Do you think adverts like this will be banned one day in the same way that cigarette ones have been?

Someone added up the cost of all these gifts- just under three thousand pounds.